Who, What, Why

1:35 AM

There has always been a feeling deep inside me of what this life is, though what it is I have yet to find out. Don't we all have this feeling within us, tickling us as we turn a corner and even bothering us deep into sleepless nights, letting us think of why we are here and usually ends up with the question, who are we, really?

Well, it's never been easy for me to define who I am. All I know is that I am immensely in love with this world I live in. And it's the littlest things that I feel ever did give a hint of who I am as a person.

Illustrations have always been a huge part of me. May it be someone else's or mine, it never failed to stir so much feeling and thought in me. I did draw a lot and it can be anything - the ever-present flowers, young looking ladies, characters filled with oh so many backstories. There are always two sides to them too. One is the bright spot of sunshine that lingers in my art, and then there's this starlit darkness that seemed to perpetuate in some of the themes I did, like that one about the uselessness of beauty if emptiness is what defines us. Yes, I struggle between these two, always had. But then, I realized that I didn't have to choose between them - I just had to embrace them fully because I feel it now that they both tell me who I am.

Then there are these amazing living beings who live this life along with me. It's hard to think how I would live my days and nights without them around me. Family, friends and nature, just hovering over me like guardians. I love them so much and I know that they have taught me so much - taught me how to live in kindness and love even though it is hard to always live constantly with both, and how to fight for myself to have my place in this world, to have my voice be heard, that no matter how little I may sound, someone or something is bound to be listening. 

Then here are the simplest things that are part of who I am. I have always loved the tiniest things - a leaf lying on the ground, or the unexpected bird feather that finds its way to my little hands (yes, I have little hands that feel happy when I touch the simple unnoticed things, haha!). I have always marvelled at the beauty of sunshine, the comfort of the rain, the little corner filled with golden light, the sound of paper scratching against another. 

There is comfort in the sleepless nights too as I have learned not so long ago. I have always been a sun person, preferring to get everything done in the day despite how wound up I'd get by dusk. But then, it's during the middle of the night where everyone's asleep and everything is all silent that I get to listen to my thoughts.

It was surprising how comfortable I felt being awake by 4am with nothing to listen to but my racing thoughts. I have listened and thought about so many things and it is in these quiet and alone moments that helped me refocus on my life. It's easy to become lost in the tides called imagery and perfection. And it is in the solitude of night time that I have realized that even when things go awry and imperfect or sometimes even haywire that life is still basically the same good adventure that it should be. I became even more accepting of things, of myself. And it felt so wonderful just realizing it. 

Then there the words - endless, deep, lovingly whispering in my mind. These simple little things mean so much to me. I had loved to write my thoughts down for as long as I can remember, grammatically wrong and full of chicken scratch. 

And there are the books. I could not express fully just how books make up a huge part of me. The stories, the feelings and the characters lingered in me like they were my own memories. And I loved every bit of words that I devoured at every turn of the page. 

So in my love for it, I have started to write a little more again, sometimes stories, sometimes just thoughts within the span of 140 words (hello Twitter). The words that gave me inspiration will always find themselves written with several florals as typography artwork. 

These things serve as my inspiration, my mantras. 
And girl do I love them - I am looking at you, Katie Daisy, my soul sister. 

So many things making the most of who I am, just how in the world do they fit inside me? Well, it's true, things do not define you. 

It is the ones I get from them, from everything, that makes me who I am.

Having loved to create, there's this need, a yearning, to make something that would let people know who I am, what I sound like, what I might look like, whenever they see something I have made. I didn't want to call it a logo, nor a signage. I wanted it to be more of a signature, an insignia. And so I did this. Florals surrounding my initials in abundance, the way things that make me who I am are. 

Funnily enough, my mother and my cousin asked, after showing this to them, what I would do with my initials here if ever I did marry and accept a new surname (seems a little bleak right now, ha!) My mother said I should retain it, my cousin said I should change the whole arrangement. I thought about it carefully. And I replied, "I'll put the new initial right there with the old initials, changing little to nothing of the former arrangement." My mother said it would look rather odd. This was my reply:

Like the leaves and flowers that embrace my initials, my insignia simply grows like them. Little change in look, but it grows like a tree, new leaves adding up like flowers and leaves. Nothing of my former name will go or change and instead, my new initial would simply grow into it, becoming a whole new part of me.

With everything I make, you'll see this. And I am content that somehow, it will remind you of me, that I have crossed your path even just once. And it is a lovely thought, is it not?

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  1. Nice couz. I'm speechless. You're indeed a fine woman. A woman who see life positively. I love you to bits and pieces.

    1. Thank you for the inspiring words couz! Love yah!