Hello everyone! It has been some time since my previous post. The days had been quite silent recently despite the variety of things that needed to be done. I used to be so focused on being busy, on ticking off one item from my long check list after another, and even cultured a lifestyle of 'busy' even on the weekends. A kind of culture that required me being on my toes almost 24/7 just so I could feel more triumphant about my productivity. But I learned that being productive doesn't have to be in the form of checked off items in the to-do list or the feeling of extreme exhaustion at the end of a long day. I used to crave for these things, yearning for that feeling of fatigue that validates the work I've accomplished. Before, without these, I would feel as if I've done nothing even if I had.

I guess it's my age, or the self-protection that I cultured recently. By self-protection, I meant making sure that my priority is keeping myself in good condition in every way possible. Since I burnt my energy and creativity out so many times in the past that it became hard to bounce back, I learned to take things slowly, but surely, of course.



Now it is not about the number of things I've done, but the quality of the work I've been doing. To be meaningful in every step. Sure, I made it certain that every thing I did was of the best even in the past years. But I lost so much energy it was counter-productive. It has felt a lot better to take things slowly and surely now and to reassess the impact of my tasks towards my goals.

This may sound a bit too sadistic, but ever since last year, I've been having issues with my physical health that may have made me live slowly. And after the incident when I fractured my spine, I had to adapt to a culture of taking things slowly. It has been INFURIATING, to be honest. To not be this girl who can do so many things in one day, to not be able to lift things like groceries like I used to and I tell you, I can carry heavy loads like a mule.

Because of these physical issues, I could say I was more forced into a gentle sort of living. I could say it's growing on me now. I'm a lot more forgiving of myself when I couldn't do a photoshoot, edit the photos, compose write-ups, draw and embroider all in one day.  Looking back, I realized I was too hard on myself.

I think it's because I wanted to make something of myself. To make this life of mine purposeful and to make my parents proud. To create something that people would like even in the distant future. Those are good dreams. But we have to learn that dreams take time and that we should not lose ourselves or lose our inner soul fire in the pursuit of such dreams.

There's this quote that I stumbled upon that I really like:

It's such a lovely quote. I think I will put this to heart and mind.

I'm also taking this time to learn new things and to enjoy the process of learning. Things can't be learned or mastered in a span of just a few weeks. Every thing takes time and that's okay.

I hope you are all well and please take care to have chances to take things slow. The quietest days are usually the most fulfilling sometimes.

She feels so much at home in the sunlit dark green waters where the vibrant creatures swam, their fins soft as an embrace, their scales shining vividly like a dream in a hazy abyss. She wanted so much to just be in the flow of the water, to never to go back to that place that called her different or unnatural. Besides, she can always admire the warmth of the sun better when her skin is cool against the calming ripples, her hair fanned out amidst the dark water, shining gold like firelight. Just don't lean in too much against the water whenever you talk with her though -- she might pull you down so you can also admire the place she is so happy in. Not that she'd really pull you, you might just be entranced by the strength of her love for this little secluded world, you'd definitely jump right in without hesitation. "It's fine," the fish said as they swam about her, "but if you're not as willing to like her or this world as much as we do, then we're afraid you'll sink."
~

When I was younger, I found dark green waters frightening. No one really knows what lingers beneath the surface. I have always imagined the worst, that is to say, I've thought of gigantic carnivorous fish with bloody teeth and dark scales, of ghosts or lifeless beings lingering aimlessly. That was too horrid, really. Now though, the dark green waters looked mysterious. There's a strange good pull coming from the light that shimmers on the water. I could just imagine what the light makes of the dark things beneath, revealing something beautiful no one has ever imagined. I'll be honest, I still feel anxious of dark waters. I think it's a safe reaction, don't you think? But I am not as scared of it though. The dark waters seem to have more beautiful things to show, if only I have the courage to try and explore it. 

She loves to stay by the garden as the sun shines down on the blooms and ferns, feeling the tender warmth of it embracing her like a familiar hug.