Hello everyone! It has been some time since my previous post. The days had been quite silent recently despite the variety of things that needed to be done. I used to be so focused on being busy, on ticking off one item from my long check list after another, and even cultured a lifestyle of 'busy' even on the weekends. A kind of culture that required me being on my toes almost 24/7 just so I could feel more triumphant about my productivity. But I learned that being productive doesn't have to be in the form of checked off items in the to-do list or the feeling of extreme exhaustion at the end of a long day. I used to crave for these things, yearning for that feeling of fatigue that validates the work I've accomplished. Before, without these, I would feel as if I've done nothing even if I had.

I guess it's my age, or the self-protection that I cultured recently. By self-protection, I meant making sure that my priority is keeping myself in good condition in every way possible. Since I burnt my energy and creativity out so many times in the past that it became hard to bounce back, I learned to take things slowly, but surely, of course.



Now it is not about the number of things I've done, but the quality of the work I've been doing. To be meaningful in every step. Sure, I made it certain that every thing I did was of the best even in the past years. But I lost so much energy it was counter-productive. It has felt a lot better to take things slowly and surely now and to reassess the impact of my tasks towards my goals.

This may sound a bit too sadistic, but ever since last year, I've been having issues with my physical health that may have made me live slowly. And after the incident when I fractured my spine, I had to adapt to a culture of taking things slowly. It has been INFURIATING, to be honest. To not be this girl who can do so many things in one day, to not be able to lift things like groceries like I used to and I tell you, I can carry heavy loads like a mule.

Because of these physical issues, I could say I was more forced into a gentle sort of living. I could say it's growing on me now. I'm a lot more forgiving of myself when I couldn't do a photoshoot, edit the photos, compose write-ups, draw and embroider all in one day.  Looking back, I realized I was too hard on myself.

I think it's because I wanted to make something of myself. To make this life of mine purposeful and to make my parents proud. To create something that people would like even in the distant future. Those are good dreams. But we have to learn that dreams take time and that we should not lose ourselves or lose our inner soul fire in the pursuit of such dreams.

There's this quote that I stumbled upon that I really like:

It's such a lovely quote. I think I will put this to heart and mind.

I'm also taking this time to learn new things and to enjoy the process of learning. Things can't be learned or mastered in a span of just a few weeks. Every thing takes time and that's okay.

I hope you are all well and please take care to have chances to take things slow. The quietest days are usually the most fulfilling sometimes.

Odgerel looks up at the sky, the warmth of the sun radiating brightly against the embroidered threads on his clothes that shine blindingly, almost rivals to the bright day star. The sun seemed almost as if it blinked, twice, as Oktai and Gerel flew beneath it, their wings hovering beautifully in the air. The blue expanse, devoid of clouds, was like the mirror of the sea, a place which Odgerel has heard of from his ancestors but has never seen it himself. Is it as vast as the summer sky? As rich in stars like the mysterious black sky? 
Gerel landed on Odgerel's outstretched hand, her feathers fluffed in pride as her friend caressed them lovingly. Oktai, as always, would perch on his back, nipping his ear affectionately. Odgerel could imagine what his winged friends have seen -- sometimes he'd like to be them, to be able to soar amongst the tallest mountains or be in the company of other beings. As he ruffled Oktai's feathers, he saw in his friend's eyes another version of him. Maybe it's like the sky and the sea -- different, but similar in many ways. Miles apart, but still the same, in a way. He smiled as the wind whipped his hair, watching his friends drift between sky and sand.

~
 I am curious, what does it feel like to be beside the sky?
Have you ever stood on top of a mountain peak, looking over a vast horizon as endless as the sea and sky, or felt the cold wind shake your body as if it is trying to finally wake up your soul? How beautiful it must feel! The light of the sun shining beautifully over the vastness of it all, making everything even more breathtaking. I have never been high up on a mountain before and therefore have not seen a vast horizon. Many times I have seen the ocean and felt insignificant and small yet strangely attached to it. Is it the same with being up in the mountains? What am I missing? I have seen the clouds beneath me as I rode the airplane, but is it different from being on a peak, feeling the wind shift, the clouds like an illuminated ocean right at the same level as your own feet that took you up the mountain? I should like to feel that, even once, no, maybe several times, hopefully.

~
Drawing Odgerel and his friends Oktai and Gerel was a challenge. Every thought was challenged, every stroke indecisive and at some point, I felt afraid. I wasn't really sure how I was going to go about it. Looking closely at the texture of his skin, I am quite sure it's obvious just how many mistakes there are. I'm quite humbled to know that I did finish it and I do quite like it as well, especially when their story came into mind and heart. I am glad I never gave up. I walked back and forth just looking at him, wondering however shall I do once I mess another thing up. But I am happy I was challenged -- it gave me such restlessness that an ordinary day can't give and I felt like I should focus more. 

I have been lacking the discipline to keep drawing on a regular basis. There are days when I draw too much and some where not even an idea comes at all. This one is sort of an "ice breaker"? I 'm not sure how to describe it, but it certainly pulled me from my rather "used" state. When I say used, it's that feeling where you just know what to do all the time, and you know all the solutions. I don't mind it, in fact, I would so much love to know what I should be doing! But, in came to a point where I couldn't advance since I felt like what I was doing was the same all the time. It kind of makes me afraid that that was all I'll ever be able to do. 

So I must find new things. 

Finding new things is tough! It feels scary. Some days I'll space out or at night I would lie in bed and look up at my golden-light filled room, wondering just how would I ever succeed in doing something new. I am putting much pressure unto myself. But I have to, so I will move forward. If not, I do not advance at all, I'll just be stuck. And I would hate myself so much if that's the case. I hope not. 

I do so much want to see the sea like Odgerel. He's been living in the desert surrounded by mountains and fields. Though he adores his home so much, he yearns for something new. He's curious. He's ready to know. Then maybe, after we both see and experience what we want, we can find something new again in the place we call home, new eyes to see new things in familiar places. Wouldn't that be nice too?

In the forest lives a woman of no origin. She has been living in the woods for so long no one knows exactly how old or how young she was. No one knows her name either, not even the birds. But everyone knew who she was. She's sister, the leaves whisper as they sway with the wind's songs. She's my friend, says the sun and the moon as they shine down on her round, mossy eyes. She is family, the rest of them say. She belongs here, where nobody thinks any less of anyone, says the mountains high amongst the clouds. She belongs where her heart feels truly alive. For all these, the woman smiles happily as she lives her life under the canopies of the woods, unperturbed and always loved, just as much as she loves wholeheartedly.

She feels so much at home in the sunlit dark green waters where the vibrant creatures swam, their fins soft as an embrace, their scales shining vividly like a dream in a hazy abyss. She wanted so much to just be in the flow of the water, to never to go back to that place that called her different or unnatural. Besides, she can always admire the warmth of the sun better when her skin is cool against the calming ripples, her hair fanned out amidst the dark water, shining gold like firelight. Just don't lean in too much against the water whenever you talk with her though -- she might pull you down so you can also admire the place she is so happy in. Not that she'd really pull you, you might just be entranced by the strength of her love for this little secluded world, you'd definitely jump right in without hesitation. "It's fine," the fish said as they swam about her, "but if you're not as willing to like her or this world as much as we do, then we're afraid you'll sink."
~

When I was younger, I found dark green waters frightening. No one really knows what lingers beneath the surface. I have always imagined the worst, that is to say, I've thought of gigantic carnivorous fish with bloody teeth and dark scales, of ghosts or lifeless beings lingering aimlessly. That was too horrid, really. Now though, the dark green waters looked mysterious. There's a strange good pull coming from the light that shimmers on the water. I could just imagine what the light makes of the dark things beneath, revealing something beautiful no one has ever imagined. I'll be honest, I still feel anxious of dark waters. I think it's a safe reaction, don't you think? But I am not as scared of it though. The dark waters seem to have more beautiful things to show, if only I have the courage to try and explore it.